Pregnancy, one of the best feelings in the world.
To know that you are carrying a life inside you, someone who will call you Mommy, who will fill your heart with the sound of their laughter, who will run around the house and create chaos, whose cries will break your heart.
Someone…..someone who will have you wrapped around their little finger, as soon as they wrap their tiny hand around yours.
“When are you going for the check up?”, asked my best friend and roommate, Ashley.
“In the evening. The little one seems to be a little restless today.” I smiled, as I rubbed my bump. I had been having mild contractions since the previous night, and although my doctor said it was normal to have braxton-hicks at 36 weeks of pregnancy, I wanted to be sure that my angel was okay.
“Do you want me to go with you?” she said with a smile.
“No. I think I will just go there straight from work.”
With one last smile at her, I walked out. Wrapping a scarf around my neck, and tucking my hands into my coat pockets, I breathed in the musky air.
As I passed the apartment park, I saw kids chasing each other and smiled to myself. That would be my angel in a couple of years.
I snapped out of my thoughts when I heard a small girl, clutching her knee and, crying. I was about to walk over to her, when I saw a man, her father I assumed, run over to her and pick her up and hug her, soothing her.
I smiled a sad smile as I was reminded, once again, that the baby would never know who her father is. She was the result of a drunken one-night stand, and the guy was gone before I even woke up.
Caressing my bump, I whispered “It’s okay baby, I’ll love you enough for the both of us.”
I was sitting in a meeting when the contractions started all over again. They were more intense than anything I had ever felt, both in pain and frequency.
“Amber, are you okay?” my manager, Janet, asked, as I gasped from the pain of a particularly intense one.
“I think I need to leave, I need to go to the hospital,” I told her, as I got up from my seat.
“Of course. Do you want me to come with you?” she said, as she placed a hand on my shoulder in comfort.
Before I could answer her, I bent over in pain as another one hit me. They were coming too frequently, running into each other.
She’s fine. She’s fine. She’s fine.
“Someone! Call 911!” I heard Janet cry out.
And from that point on, it was all a blur.
I didn’t remember getting into the ambulance, or being rushed into the hospital, or being strapped to the machines as the nurses tried to comfort me, as best as they could.
“She’s fine, isn’t she?” I cried, clutching the hand of the elderly nurse, “My angel… she’s fine, right!?”
She looked at me sadly, before wrapping my hand in hers, and said “We can’t find her heartbeat.”
“No.. no, you are lying! She’s fine! She has to be!” I shook my head in denial, as tears streamed down my face. “She’s fine! She has to be!”
“I need her to be,” I said in a broken whisper.
I need her to be.
“I’m sorry,” the nurse said, “She’s gone.”
On September 10th, 2012 I gave birth to my baby girl, Arella Jackson.
She weighed 6lb 14oz.
She had green eyes and wavy brown hair.
She was the most beautiful baby girl I had ever seen in my life.
And today…. today I am holding a funeral for my angel.
It’s so cold out here.
I hug her close, and wrap the blanket around her more tightly. She must be cold.
“Amber, place Arella in the casket,” Mr. Warren, the priest, said in a kind voice.
I can’t… can’t let her go. How can I leave my baby girl out here? In the cold….alone?
I shake my head, as tears stream down my face.
“You have to, Amber,” he says sadly. “She’s in heaven now.”
He picks her up from my hands and places her in the casket.
I watch as they lower her into the ground, bury her, and I know.
It wasn’t just her being buried today, it was me too.
This was written for the Autumn writing competition on IF, it didn’t win, but I just wanted to share it with you guys.
The prompt was to write a sad OS with 750 words, and have autumn included in it somehow.
This one is really close to my heart, and based off of a real life event, so no negative comments, please.