It’s been a while, eh? I wouldn’t be surprised if I had forgotten how to write.
This isn’t a note pertaining to my stories, which I am hoping to resume in a couple of weeks. It’s not even an official update on why I had to put them on hold, again. I’ve just been going through a tough time recently, all of my own doing, and I wanted to take a break and do something that has always helped me deal with challenging times in my life.
Most of you are aware that I haven’t been around for a couple of months, and you might even know that it’s because I have an exam coming up. It’s not a university exam or even something I really, absolutely need to pass. Having said that, I abhor failing. I have never in my life, failed a single exam. I think it mostly has to do with the fact that I cannot stand to disappoint my parents, and the only thing they have ever expected from me was to do well in school. The worst grade I have ever received was a C+, around 78% for those of you who aren’t in the US. I am not saying this to brag. Thankfully, studies was something I was always good at. I liked most of my subjects, and they liked me back. However, I have recently found out that my luck with studying, the mutual affair we were having, has sadly, ended.
Yes, the exam prep is going to hell in a handbasket. And the funny thing is, for the first time in my life, I was actually really, truly trying to do well. Oh, the irony. I gave up tv-shows, reading and writing fan-fiction, going outside into the sunlight, even. I’ve been studying like a maniac for the past few months, and turns out it’s all for naught. I have been doing some practice exams lately and my scores are nowhere near the passing mark. I go to bed feeling like a failure and I wake up in the most foul mood. And I rinse and repeat.
I was in the process of doing the same today, when a thought struck me. I was absolutely disgusted with the way I was behaving, I loathed feeling like the world was falling apart around me because of something as small as an exam, one I didn’t even need to pass. Nothing depends on this. I am not about to fail university. My job is not riding on this. I have no reason to panic day in and day out thinking about this stupid little test.
On the tail of that came another thought (It was a day of epiphanies). I don’t remember the last time I felt happy. Truly, unconditionally happy. I have one of those type A personalities, that can never just stop and smell the fucking roses. I drove myself to complete school and college in as little time as possible, I got a job before I even left college and jumped right into the work life, I am even actively trying to get a promotion because I feel like the work at my current level is not challenging enough. I’m always setting up that next goal, trying to surpass it, trying to reach an end line that I, myself, keep moving further and further away.
So I decided to sit down, and as cliched as it sounds, smell the roses. I closed the books for the day, and took a little time to do something I love doing, and document this moment, so that in a year or two, when I inevitably run myself into the ground again because of my ambitions, I can look back at this and remember to slow down, to savor what I have, for a moment.
So here goes, the reason I should be happy in the here and now:
- I am surrounded by people who love me unconditionally.
- I have great friends who always keep things interesting.
- I have a job that I (on most days) enjoy doing, and the people I work with aren’t terrible either.
- Even though I was let go from my job, I have been getting call backs for interviews, for the positions I want to work in. And one of them is looking mighty promising.
- I have a roof on my head and some yummy, home-cooked food in my tummy.
- I have good books in an arm’s reach.
- I have the most beautiful, scenic backyard that I get to have coffee in every morning.
- I have internet.
Okay, this is digressing, but you get my point.
PS: I wanted to wait and type this all up once my exam was done, but:
- If I passed the exam, then this would sound like a spiel from one of those kids who always complains that they will fail but end up passing anyway.
- If I failed the exam, it would sound like I am trying to placate myself.
So you get this wise and maybe insane piece of stream of consciousness writing now. Sorry about that.
PPS: You don’t have to, but if you’d like, comment with what you are happy with in the here and now. Let’s turn this into a mini therapy session.
PPPS: I miss you guys.